Last night I had 2 dreams. Both of them of the same understanding but maintaining separate perspective that gave me much needed confirmation on my pre-slumber thoughts and realizations. Personally, that’s my favorite time to think. Deposits sprinkling my reality as no thought is without form or reason.
The first dream was under the eye of a watchful organization. I remember straps and sparks. So many wires infiltrating my skin it felt as if I could breathe through them. I felt trapped. My movement and expression limited by the eyes of those around me, each tightlined with a clip board. “Im actually not a big fan of this”. All of a sudden it was quiet. The hum of electricity halting, not a single breath heard. I rose gingerly, extracting each needle tipped wire from my skin. Those once calculating eyes filled with such bewilderment and … anger? “Why be upset at my breaking point?”, I thought to myself as I chuckled at their faces. I considered my ending up here. What made me so important that I needed to be under consistent restraint? What had I allowed for myself to see this a s a necessity in the first place?
As I stood I could make out the walls of a container. Oddly shaped, a small vacuum could be felt against my skin. My automatic assumption was that I was being used for something. Small, maybe, but important to their progression nonetheless. The moment I walked outside of the container, the integrity gave. Naturally the collapsing of their “machine” was less than ideal so a chase ensued. During this I could feel my body pushing against some type of restraint. My running in dreams thankfully being fully the same as conscious running made this acknowledgment even scarier. Despite this realization, I managed to outrun all but one of the agents. “I can show you your faults. I can explain to you why you’re not 100%. Even help you identify what parts of you that need to change for you to be faster.”, he yelled after me. Such desperation dripped from his voice. Are those tears? Initially I was intrigued. Such specific bait, playing on my emotion driven curiosity. I quickly realized that I am consistently baited by my strive to betterment. Whether it be for others or myself, I am exceptionally good at excusing certain experiences for the sake of growth.
Almost as if the ground itself started to move, I pushed ahead into the distance. Funnily enough I had realized that the only reason I was moving “slow” was because I had lessened my drive to hear him out. His pleas of acknowledgment falling away as I woke up were confirmation of my own understandings. I am tired of being the glue to hold up mediocrity. For myself and for others.
The second dream was more of the same. Except centered around my biggest fear, a group of friends. I know, juvenile but real to me nonetheless. There’s nothing worse than a group of unexplored individuals who don’t utilize their community to their fullest potential. That one came with the lesson of no longer being glue as well. This time just under the more recent circumstances of a friendly outing I had been invited to. Specifically in doing things for the gratification of others as the starting point or solidifier of an experience.
There were celebrities of all types surrounding me. Friends and lovers of friends all adorned in their swimming attire. Dancing and singing to the curation of vibes. I don’t have a full scope of this dream but I do recall music being an important factor. One of the women had made a song that just so happened to be a diss track to one of the unsavory women at the party. The night continues and suddenly one of the boyfriends activates like a sleeper agent and tries to grab me. I run, get away, and wake up to my cat cuddling me.
All in all, Im tired of being the glue. The funny part about trauma defense is how often our lenses are in fact our blind points. Your focal point of expression leaving space for the creation of comfort spots. Complacency. I can confidently say I am ready to embody who I know myself to be without the hindrance that is my own mind.
Im excited to see how these dreams play a hand in my future within the next 2 weeks. That’s normally the limit I give myself to sit with it. Thankfully me and my spirit team have a communicated boundary, so if it comes up again I know to be on the lookout for it.
