I’m finding myself having a lot more gratitude when I wake up than a few weeks ago. Rising now feeling like an opportunity rather than a task. I really have to slow down so the emphasis on these things can be applied properly. Nothing worse than realizing the goal after you’ve already surpassed it.
Almost feels like the recognition I desire comes from me wanting to just slow down. Even in the midst of my accomplishments I find it difficult to receive praise. It’s not that I don’t see myself worthy of it but I am pushing away the acclimation process. Almost as if my standards are so high that even the smallest feat is magnanimous in some eyes. It definitely speaks to how I see the world.
Much like Jesus did in that way. “You too will do great works like these.” I consider all of us capable, yet I’m not entirely comfortable being the example. Crucifixion isn’t necessarily being held over my head, but I do have the slightest aversion to being “held hostage”. Maybe he too felt hostage around those he was meant to lead.
Held hostage by their mindsets, an infectious complacency that seeks to snuff any light brightening the comfort of darkness. Begging for scraps of sacrifice as they revel in the shame of their inquisition. They consider themselves worth the patience to save but not the saving act in itself, their sins seemingly too dirty for any clean slate.
I find myself in them. Fear mirroring my apprehension. Doubt fueling their desire. Knowing my experience as the sinner, maybe that’s why I can’t consider myself the priest. My powers found in a salvation I feel pretentious whispering to others of. The display boasting of my determination. Why martyr the example? Why chastise myself unnecessarily?
I can not lift from a place of loss. To fear the sacrifice makes the salvation wayward, for your desire of comfort will remain in control. Relish in all that has fallen before you and the calmness in which it obeyed. You whisper to the flame in reverence of its power.
